Walking the Wall

I sat up at 5am this past morning, wide awake, thinking I was late for work. I first realized it was 5am and so I couldn’t possibly be late as I get up at 6:30 when I go in for the first shift–then realized I didn’t work at all that day. Too late, though, as I was already wide awake. I tried to go back to sleep, but my brain was fully in gear so it was out to the couch for me for a bit of reading.

I’m reading through Pema Chodron’s book The Places That Scare You and one quote particularily struck me about what we learn as we set out on the path to understand ourselves and others: “We are all a paradoxical bundle of rich potential that consists of both neurosis and wisdom” (38). How true is that, a crazy mix of neurosis and wisdom. In the chapter on cultivating Loving-Kindness, Chodrom says: “Our personal attempts to live humanely in this world are never wasted. Choosing to cultivate love rather than anger just might be what it takes to save the planet from extinction” (41). I really need to keep being reminded that no attempt at living humanely and compassionately, no matter how small, is wasted action. Really, this whole chapter on Loving-Kindness was one big underline of things that I need to be continually reminded of. Chodron does an excellent job of making it clear that being honest, loving, and compassionate has to start with ourselves–that self-denigration needs to be replaced with clear-seeing kindness so that that same loving-kindness can then be turned outward. This is an issue that I struggle with having a difficult time shaking what I call the “worm of the earth syndrome” that I internalized from mis-taught Christian teachings. It’s ironic, because the golden rule, which came from Christianity, is “love thy neighbor as thyself”–Jesus is asked what the most important rule is and he says to love God, and love they neighbor as thyself. What I never thought of is that there aren’t just two people here, God and your neighbor, but there are three people: God, yourself, and your neighbor. Before you can love your neighbor as yourself, you have to love yourself! Obviously we aren’t talking about vanity, but like Chodron is writing, if we are full of self-loathing and self-denigration–we are hardly in an optimal position to love others.

Chodron places a quote at the beginning of the chapter that opens it up even further: “Peace between countries must rest on the solid foundation of love between individuals,” said Mahatma Gandhi. So not only is loving-kindness towards ourselves the foundation of loving-kindness towards others–loving-kindness towards individuals the foundation for global peace. I cannot end the war in Iraq, but I can make individual, small acts of compassion and it is not wasted. And while I prefer to never be awake at 5am, even that time wasn’t wasted either.